“We are all trying”
Sometimes you receive the best advice when you are not looking for one.
And this happened to me yesterday, when I was on a call with a client for content marketing related discussion.
From Nov 2019, I have tried to be self-employed and build things I always wanted to build, and hopefully, earn from it too. While Corona claimed the lives and livelihoods of many, I will be honest, I was in a decent place. I had the means to cover my expenses, from my rent, food, to entertainment. I have no ongoing loans and even during the months when I could not generate any kind of income, I was able to sail through them without any discomfort.
People expect you to not burn through your savings, but if few months of isolation and thinking space is all you need, think about those expenses as an investment towards your mental health, and I did so, unapologetically, for a year.
This year also saw multiple disappointments. I realized my limitations of having Indian credentials, I gave up on my product idea because my reliance on a close contact did not yield any results, I gave up on many promising job prospects because I just wasn’t at the mental space to take them up.
The last one was more of a surprise and a blessing in disguise because it taught me about a part of myself of how desperately I want to build things on my own and not depend on an employer to ensure monthly salary.
That realization is now driving my other decisions which a couple of years ago seemed impossible to me, and one of them is going back to my roots to where my journey of a bygone decade started.
Coming back to the call that I had with my client, he was aware that I had plans for relocation and after exchanging pleasantries, he did ask on what my other plans were.
I told him succinctly about the vision I was trying to build with another year in my hand. It would just save me more if I relocated back to my hometown and operate from there. My vision would either come to fruition or I would add some more skills in my resume to look for a job — not something I want to do, but it is always good to have a plan B.
“I am trying”, I said.
“We are all trying”, he said.
I felt a strange calmness on hearing those words. A part of it was the realization that people are on their own paths to survive or thrive, and they are all trying. I was not alone. There are many privileges and potholes that prepare you for the next step, because like it or not, tomorrow will come, and you will have to face it.
Earlier this year, I did the exercise of going through the list of work I had done. I adopted the habit of keeping track of work which I would normally do while on a job.
I had done enough. I had written, and drawn, and painted, and made videos, and had taken projects even when not a single shred in my heart wanted to work on it, and delivered, and had done a good job.
I survived this year, through pain and heartbreaks, but I also learnt about my privileges, to not be too hard on myself, to let go of things that no longer serve me, to let go of friendships which continually exhausted me, mentally and emotionally.
You cannot be there for anyone who are not there for themselves. I had dragged myself enough. No more.
So, here is to another year of trying, which, speaking from experience, will have a lot more failures than success. Here is to new learning, re-building, re-thinking, and to the spirit of hanging on when thriving is impossible. Here is to be knowing your worth, to saying no, to sticking to ideals and integrity, and giving things a try.
Because, at the end of the day, you would know, that you tried, and that will always be enough.
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